Turkey Confusion

On my daylight walks I often hear and/or see turkeys.   I never get very close.   Certainly not close enough to verify the following story.

This weekend my walking was between America's Classic and the refreshment tent.   Early in the day, The Commissioner told a story about turkey hunting.  

He was sitting in the wild using a "Tom call".   This means he was making the sound that attracts male turkeys to a mate.   Only Toms may be hunted.   The Commissioner was able to get the attention of a bird and began to call it in.    At a certain point he needed to make a decision; take the shot or risk the animal running away.   He took his shot and got his turkey.

The real story begins when he began to dress out his bird.    Tom turkeys have beards.   This turkey did not.   The Commissioner thought he had shot a hen.   As he continued to dress it out he realized it had male reproductive organs.    It looked like a hen and acted like a Tom.   It was decided that since it reacted to the call it must be male.

Larry the Communicator had the final word on the topic.   According to him, there are cross gender turkeys.   I don't know who or what to believe.

Dumb Health Things

If I were going to provide a tip about diet your healthiest choice would be to go deaf.     You would be safer with a ground beef t-shirt and coyotes than taking eating tips from me.   What I have observed is that no one seems to know..or..everyone seems to know how to eat healthy.     Some things that almost all the "experts" agree on is smaller portions several times a day and cut the sugar.    My friend Tri Limb says eat when you're hungry.

I don't know how to eliminate bad habits.   They are really only bad if they hurt you or someone else and they are only a habit if you do them thoughtlessly.      I think we should embrace some of our frowned upon practices.   A fine cigar and three fingers of bourbon is part of the good life.   However, do that everyday and you are walking in Hell.   I have experience with this sermon.

This dumb health thing is a visit to my vain side, but really works.   For me ten months of the year is glove weather.    Before I put on my gloves I rub a little lotion on my hands; the kind I steal from hotels.  I think my hands look great for an old man.   I'm sure Phunny Phil is jealous.

Wild Weather

Some days I convince myself I can't walk.    Rain, snow, ice, and mud keep me off the gravel roads.   If I can't find an alternative course, and I usually don't, I cook.   But I must be careful deciding among bad weather,being lazy or just wanting to cook.   Lazy days are a trap.   They lead to more lazy days and even worse, guilt.   I don't like wild weather but I like guilt much less.

Regardless of the weather, some wild things that occur on my walks are very noticeable temperature changes.     I'm not considering the normal warm up as the walk goes along or even the wind in your face cool down.   I'm suggesting twilight zone stuff.

When I am within ten steps of The Farmer's mailbox the air quickly warms up several degrees.   It stays that way until about ten steps past the mailbox when it quickly changes back.    After I have walked a few hundred feet further, down to the bottom of a draw next to the babbling brook, the temperature near instantly drops several degrees then just as quickly changes back.

 I often think warm ghost cold ghost but I know there is some meteorological explanation.

Diabetics Should Only Walk

My friend read my blog about the vehicle in the woods and wanted me to know we both kept the Dallas County sheriff's office busy that day.

She left West Des Moines at 4 p.m. with a blood sugar issue.    Her last memory was debating between coke at the Wendy's or stopping at the Kum and Go.    Her next memory was 5 miles north of Adel on highway 44 in an ambulance at 6 p.m.

The drivers side of her car is gone. She was covered with glass but fine otherwise.   She hit a car with a trailer and traveled 3 more miles before passing out. Both are miraculously alive.  

Diabetes is crazy no matter how hard you try to stay ahead of it.

A walking diabetic might twist an ankle.   Diabetics should only walk.

The Case of the Mysterious Vehicle (Part II)

Walking through the woods searching for mushrooms I was startled by a vehicle In the middle of the woods. The law was on the way.

The county Sherrif sent two deputies and a West Des Moines police detective arrived. After milling around the car and a little head scratching they made some phone calls. 30 minutes later a wrecker arrived at my place. This is more company than I had for a while so I cracked open a beverage and enjoyed the show.

The tow truck was much larger than the vehicle and it didn't fit back in the woods. The driver decided to cut down some trees. I decided no. He wasn't happy so I offered him a beverage he and his helper both took one. The police did not seem to notice.

Three hours later, with a long cable, logs, and rocks, the car was wrenched out of the woods. A couple more phone calls, a couple more beverages and all the excitement was over. No more company.

It is not often that three police officers spend that much time on my land and no gets arrested.

The Case of the Mysterious Vehicle ( Part I)

A few years ago I had an interesting walk.   I got home from work and decided to walk through the woods looking for mushrooms.   My process is to carry a special walking stick carved by a former employee.   I run the stick back and forth and stare at the ground waiting to spy the morels.

On this particular hunt, I was fairly deep in my woods when I looked up and was startled by a four-wheel drive vehicle just a few feet away.    It disoriented me.  I glanced all around to try to set my bearings.   I just stood there looking at this vehicle that was so misplaced.   Finally, I noticed that behind it the brush was run over.   As I walked to the rear of the vehicle, I realized that someone had found a way to drive it all the way into the woods without hitting a tree.

As I walked behind the vehicle I stopped dead in my tracks.   Would if there was someone inside?   I slowly approached and put my face to the window.   I saw nothing.   I tried every door and looked in every window.   Nothing inside and all locked up.

I walked straight to the house and called the sheriff.  After being transferred a few times and a call back it was discovered that the vehicle was part of a break in and a chase earlier in the day.   The detective asked if I had touched anything.   I replied, "No, I touched everything."  I thought it was funnier than he did.

They were coming to investigate and remove the evidence.

Gnome Walk

Sometimes I tramp around the woods looking for gnomes.     I find them playing on south facing slopes close to the creek.    I find them dancing in circles around dead Elms.   I pluck them from the ground and stuff them in a sack.   Later, after drowning them in salt water, I fry them up.

Of course I am mushroom hunting.   It's too early to find mushrooms, but everything is so early this spring.   The underbrush in the woods looks like mushrooms should be there.   I have found none.   I will go out on one more walk.   The first sunny day after the next rain I will walk through the woods with great anticipation.

See the gnome family below.